The Twilight Saga: New Moon presents us with cinema's most bizarre love triangle. Bella, played by Kristen Stewart, the 18-year-old teenage heroine, is torn between Edward, played by Robert Pattinson, who is a 109-year-old vampire and Jacob, played by Taylor Lautner, who comes from a mysterious Indian tribe and on occasion, turns into a werewolf.
Both these men with dark secrets love Bella obsessively but are afraid to be with her because in a moment of passion or anger, they can kill her.
When Bella leans toward the charms of the pale and skinny Edward, Jacob, who is tanned, superbly buff and refuses to wear a shirt for most of the film, screams: You are such a hypocrite. What, I'm not the right kind of monster for you?
Watching this incredibly moronic exchange, I decided that the world is divided into two kinds of people. Teen age girls who consume all things Twilight with such passion that New Moon created box office history in the US as the third biggest opening of all time and the rest of us, who watch these films with bewildered expressions, and wonder what the fuss is all about.
I enjoyed the first film Twilight because it had an emotional momentum propelled by the unconsummated love between Bella and Edward.
You might recall that Edward cannot even give Bella a passionate kiss because he might get unhinged and eat her.
But New Moon, directed by Chris Weitz, shows us that the line between feverish and foolish is dangerously thin. This film is staggeringly boring and exhaustingly silly.
New Moon begins with Bella's birthday party, which goes haywire because she gets a paper cut, bleeds and sets off a feeding frenzy in Edward's otherwise perfectly civilised vampire family.
Edward decides to leave Bella because he thinks that's the only way she will be safe.
So, he tells her that she's not good enough for him and disappears leaving her to mope and then, mope some more.
These sessions of sadness are broken by the appearance of her childhood friend Jacob, who has become a shirtless, sexy hunk who just happens to turn into a giant wolf.
There is also some inane conversation about a treaty between the vampires and the werewolves and a climax with the Volturi who are the highest order of vampires and for some reason, hang out in Italy.
The only reason the Volturi are somewhat interesting is because they are played by Martin Sheen and Dakota Fanning.
New Moon has an inert plot and some of the most ludicrous dialogue I've heard this year. At one point, Bella says to Jacob: So you're a werewolf. He replies: last time I checked. She says: Can't you just stop doing what you're doing and his answer is: it's not a lifestyle choice Bella.
The actors can't do much with scenes like this and even Stewart, who brought such intelligence to the first film, just seems like a whining bore here. I recommend that you exercise a lifestyle choice and steer clear.